One Day I Will Rule the World

World Domination, Babies and Middle Eastern Dance

March 2, 2010

You aren’t proving anything.

Couple weeks ago I had a dream that I found a tiny lump in my breast. And then I groggily said to myself, “hm. I should make a note of that and investigate it properly tomorrow morning.”

When I woke up, I couldn’t remember if it was just a dream or not. And I couldn’t remember where I thought I felt this lump. So, whatever. I just had a physical a couple months ago. That part doesn’t really matter to the story, it’s just how it begins – with a dream.

Anyhow, a couple days later, I noticed a spot just near my armpit. But it was a tiny little mark and I didn’t find any lump near it. Probably just a pimple, or a spot where my underwire rubs or something. So whatever.

A couple weeks later, it’s still there. And there’s something under it. Like, not a lump. Not even what I’d call a bump. Just…ahh… a different consistency. Half a bump,  maybe. Like, totally nothing.

I was like, “ah well I suppose I better get it checked out.” And, “though of course it’s nothing.” And everyone I’ve talked to is like, “Oh well of course it’s nothing. But you should get it checked out.”

Anyhow, I have an appointment to have it checked out.

When I called, what I really wanted to say was, “I need an appointment to have the doctor look at this, even though I already know it’s nothing.

I mean, I’m not just saying that to be optimistic. Honestly, I know it’s nothing. And I’m having the damnedest time with the idea of going to the doctor over something that I know is going to turn out to be inconsequential. I keep wondering how I establish to her before I go that I know it’s nothing. Like, “heeeeeey. Just so you know, when you tell me this is nothing, you aren’t proving anything. I already knew.”

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  1. Alison

     /  2010-03-02

    Hey, that’s what doctors are for: to tell you it’s nothing. It’s part of their job description.

    (and by that I obviously mean, I’m with you in the I’m sure it’s nothing part, but I’m glad you’re getting it checked.)

    I was thinking about your last entry and I was thinking that I’m the sort that would die of a heart attack in public because I’d be so busy saying, “no, I’m sure it’s nothing really.” I think it’s something about being English. “So sorry, don’t want to inconvenience anyone here.”

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  2. Hahaha. I’m totally like that too. I’d be so apologetic as I clutched my chest and fell down in front of people. “Oh, please don’t look so troubled. It’s nothing. I’m SO sorry that I’m worrying you.”

    It’s a Canadian thing too. Apologizing for bumping into someone, apologizing for falling, apologizing for being in someone’s way.

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  3. Alison

     /  2010-03-03

    Today, at Tim Horton’s the cashier who spoke only imperfect English (at best) confused my wanting a tea biscuit with raisins with a cinnamon-raisin bagel. He really wanted me to just take that bagel, but I was having none of it. I keep apologizing to the guy behind me in line for holding him up by insisting that really I wanted a biscuit not a bagel. Afterwards, I thought, “how Canadian”: Tim Horton’s, immigrants, and apologies all rolled into one. But I was glad I held out because that tea biscuit was SO GOOD.

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