You know it’s good science journalism when the author takes every opportunity to thesaurus it up with faux-hip pejoratives like “blubbering” and “go limp”.

And how awesome is it that Brian Alexander’s dedication to combining faux-hip words with blatantly stupid messages continues right to the end where he admonishes, “Bottom line, ladies? If you’re looking for arousal, don’t turn on the waterworks.”? I mean, AH FUCK. That’s my number one trick, you know? No wonder my life has been filled with so many limp dicks.

And no wonder my need to be boned whenever I’m emotionally distressed- yuck, nevermind. You can see how viciously creepy his conclusion is. I’m sure I don’t need to go there.

I have no idea what conclusion the study’s authors might have derived from this (or what they were trying to prove in the first place), but I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume it probably wasn’t “Please ladies, the fragile boners of the world depend on you. Do not use your terrible crying powers to destroy them.”

Though the sport of making imperatives to women (and justifying them with crap logic) to be emotionally inconspicuous while maximizing their sexiness is a popular one (and based on this article, looks like mad fun), so what do I know?

(Hat tip to my aunt for sharing the link while simultaneously filing it under “who cares”.)